It is time to say goodbye again. Time flew and I don’t know where it went. It felt like one day I was landing, thrilled to be back and see the family and the next I was bidding my farewells once again. It always feels short and when you still have people to see and a lot to do, it is over.
I look at the sky. We say in Portuguese “Abril, aguas mil!”which basically means that in April it pours. It works like this, it is sunny and suddenly dark clouds take over the sky. They look heavy and threatening and then all hell breaks loose. The sky opens and rain comes pouring down. Then 5 or 10 minutes later it is all over. The sun returns and you are left wondering if you dreamt it all. The same happens again and again. Showers come and go. Clouds too. It is a constant roller coaster.
I am like that too. I start with blue sky. I feel grateful to be back home and ready for anything. Then time passes and my blue sky receives some new white clouds. They look fluffy and not so threatening at first. Then I realise that the road I’m on has a timer, the clock is ticking and I may not be able to realise all of my carefully laid down plans.
It is possible I may have to veer off road, improvise, make new plans. That is when bits of dark come up. I know change is coming. Slowly but determined.
I’m clearly running out of time. I try to hold on and put as many people as I can into my schedule. The dark clouds spread in a dramatic way.
It starts pouring, I know it is time to say goodbye.
Something I can’t say anymore to the person that taught me more about life than any other. I tell her I will be back soon. I leave it vague, it can mean tomorrow or in a few months again. She tells me yes but I can feel that deep down she knows I’m leaving once again. Her breathing is difficult. The sky is on fire, my heart too.
She had always told me that being a mother is tough, you constantly worry. I have discovered that being a daughter is as difficult. You get to an age where you worry how long your mother will still be there, how long will her spirit and body still be willing to fight for survival. You hope until infinity. But you know.
For now, I will be flying again with the birds and my spirit will look like this.
But I know the clouds will always clear sooner or later, the wind will carry them far and the sun will want to shine again. And my spirit will follow …
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